The Most Powerful Lesson

Caring for Jillian during the last month of her life while she received hospice care was by far the most difficult emotional challenge for me. Yet, it also provided the most powerful lesson.   I knew logically that she was destined to die at a young age, but I never allowed myself to entertain those thoughts on an emotional and heart level.  I just wanted to focus on loving her while she was still alive.  But now I had to actually be willing to say goodbye and to allow her to die.  I had to embrace the true meaning of selflessness.  The amazing thing was that Jillian was continually setting an example for me during her short lifetime.  Despite her many difficulties and challenges, she always expressed compassion and care for others.  Even during the last few weeks of her life, she ‘held on’ so her close friends and family had the chance to say goodbye.  As her father, allowing her to die on her own terms was the final expression of love I needed to give her.

The interesting thing is that this lesson can be carried over to all other aspects of our lives and the many relationships we are involved in.  Isn’t it always harder to love someone when you see them making decisions you don’t really agree with?  You might make your case, even bargain with them to do something differently, but at the end of the day allowing them to decide and choose their own path without severing the relationship is always the most difficult, and ultimately a powerful act of love. This lesson I learned from Jillian has truly helped me navigate my relationships over the past 3 years and know it will continue to do so. 

What’s Typical Anyways? The Lesson of Reframing My Perspective

Parenthood is a transformative milestone, but for me it has been especially so.  Caring for Jillian was an emotional struggle for me.  Nothing was typical, and I had to learn to adjust my expectations of what a good day meant for our family and to view life with a more mature perspective.  Because my childhood was so different from Jillian’s, I wrestled with wanting to give her experiences that weren’t really important to her. Whether it was due to her physical limitations or personality, she enjoyed very simple, uncomplicated activities.   Being her father has taught me to acknowledge and accept people for who they are and to respect their desires and perspectives. Three years removed from her death I am still embracing this lesson – it’s one worth holding on to - I guess on a day like Thanksgiving even more so.

Happy Birthday (and Thanksgiving)

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  But it is also Jillian’s birthday…………..
 

11.24.11 – Jillian, you are turning 14 years old.  Happy Birthday little one! It is such an honor to be your father.  Though there are many firsts I will never get to experience when compared to other dads in this world - your first boyfriend (and me interrogating him), you graduating from high school, walking you down the aisle for your wedding, or witnessing the birth of your own child - I am incredibly and overwhelmingly grateful for the nearly 11 years you allowed me to be your daddy while you were here.  And though my heart aches with indescribable pain when I think about the day you had to leave, our bond is now significantly different than most father and daughters.  But you are still, and always will be, daddy’s little girl. Your mom and I feel like the most fortunate people in the world having you as our daughter.  While on this earth, you gave us so much - more than you will ever realize - and for that we are forever thankful.  Your huge heart and selfless spirit has left an everlasting mark on our lives. My relationship and love for you grows with each passing day.  Thank you.

It’s still hard to grasp that you have been gone from this earth for over three years now.  I am sure that the three years you have spent in your new world have been extremely different than the first three years you spent on this earth – and for that I am truly happy.  I could go on and on about what I think you may have been doing these past few years, but instead I want to make a special list for you today on your birthday - a list of 14 things that made you so special.  Certainly from my perspective this list is infinite, but at least for today, we will limit it to the number of candles on your birthday cake.  I hope it makes you smile - I know it gives me a 'waaarm rewaaaarding feeling' (private joke) just writing these down.... 
So here it is....
     14 SPECIAL THINGS ABOUT JILLIAN ON HER 14TH BIRTHDAY

1. Your amazing smile and belly laughs.
2. Your ‘Three Stooges’ sense of humor.
3. The way you said, “Silly Mommy”.
4. The way you shed tears sympathetically for other ‘hurting’ children. 
5. You loved reading the same book over and over at bedtime.
6. You clearly understood the relational angst between Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street.
7. You always picked up on the special nuances of relationships.
8. You loved all things Halloween – orange, pumpkins, bats, spiders, snakes and owls.
9. You always had an opinion.
10. You loved making videos and putting on shows.
11. You loved to dance with daddy’s mommy.
12.  You had a very special relationship with mommy’s daddy.
13. You were always warm and giving to others even when you didn’t feel too well.
14. Before you died you wanted to make sure daddy and mommy would be okay.

Jillian, Happy Birthday.  I love you. Over the next few days in your honor and to celebrate your life, I will initiate 14 unique acts of kindness to encourage others in the way I know you would enjoy.  

And to everyone else - Happy Thanksgiving - be sure to really spend some special time with the people you love.