The weather here in Northern California has been cool with lots of rain lately. We really need the rain though. There is something about this time of year and the weather that often comes with it that creates a pensive or contemplative mood. I have found myself thinking about the many memories of Jillian and the lessons I continue to learn from her life.
Recently, in my contemplation, one of the greatest challenges for me has been thinking back over the years of Jilian's life and being overcome with feelings similar to the following: "Did I totally miss the point while Jillian was alive and focus more on what I desired and wanted for her versus what she wanted for her life? Did I ever really pause to think what was most important to her? Did my own perception of what it means to be a good dad or provider get in the way of actually being just that according to what Jillian needed, and not my own biased or ego-driven definition? Did I love her the way I was supposed to? Did I love her the way she needed me to?" These feelings and thoughts overwhelmed me to the point of tears. If in fact, I missed the mark, I felt horrible and needed her to know that I was sorry for being selfish in my care for her.I found myself writing to Jillian and asking her for her forgiveness.
I have had some time to think about these feelings and came to the realization that though they are valid and real, they are probably unwarranted. My best friend and wife reminded me that Jillian knew how much I adored her and the full extent of my unconditional love for her. That was never a question. Jillian's love for me was equally as unconditional and even if I didn't do things 'right' she could accept my shortcomings. After all, she was teaching me how to be a better father and person. She would probably just say something like, "silly daddy" or in other words, 'you need to let that one go." So that is what I decided to do.
I can only imagine there are other bereaved parents or caregivers out there who have had thoughts similar to those that I have shared - questioning our own devotion, love and care for our deceased children and loved ones. Take a lesson out of Jillian's book today and 'let it go.' No second guessing. Just remember the relationship you have and hold it close to your heart. That can never be taken away.
