No Pain....no Gain, Really?

Yesterday marked 125 weeks since Jillian left this world.  Whenever Friday comes around, I calculate in my mind the time that she has been gone.  Initially it was days, and now it has become weeks. At one point in the future I realize it will become months, and then eventually years. 


That's sort of how we live our lives....marching time by minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years....We go to work at a certain time, counting the minutes and hours down until we get to leave for home.  Sometimes we forgot that as time continues to march on, we too are growing in ways that we may not even be aware of.  There are certain times that we in fact stop and realize that we have gone through a growing period.  Often when we are young, we go through growth spurts physically. Our friends, family and people around us say, 'why look how 'Jimmy' has grown!  That's of course natural for most, but how often do we really look at the growth spurts we go through emotionally, spiritually, and relationally. 


When is the last time you actually took time out to look at this closely.  Navigating the death of Jillian has certainly forced me do to such a thing. Often when someone goes through a challenging time there is growth.  It is a common perspective in many many cultures, religions and societies.....as young athletes, our favorite slogan was always....'no pain, no gain'.  But is that an absolute?  I have come to realize that pain is a relative term.  Someone who loses a job experiences pain, but is that the same pain as someone who gets cancer or loses a child.  My judgmental self says absolutely not.  My daughter not only died, but prior to that she had cancer, lived with heart failure and was born with a "dismissed by society" genetic disorder and had disabilities.  Certainly my pain is worse than these other two examples.  But wait, what about the pain of a parent who loses two children in a car accident suddenly?  Isn't their pain worse than mine?  It must be right?  No brainer?  Maybe, mabye not,.......absolutely...not really sure???


See, the issue isn't whos pain is worse.  From the receiver of the pain point of view....it all is devastating, and it doesn't really matter what is going on with others around you and their pain - you just feel your pain.  The real issue is what you do with that pain.  See, the saying is correct....'no pain, no gain', but for a different reason than most of us think. Most see that phrase or idea as a cause and effect perspective.  If you feel pain you will gain.  But the reality of it is this:  when you experience pain due to loss, though it is difficult and challenging on levels that others may not have yet experienced, you can decide to learn from it and grow. You can come out to the valley or pit of loss at a 'higher' level than that which you entered it.  But you see, it's not an automatic thing.....it's really a decision that starts with awareness of the pain itself - that is what starts the possibility of growth and 'gain'  You need to stare" the pain and loss in the face" and take it on.  There's a great story about this in one of my favorite books "Swallowed by a Snake". At the end of the day, growth is really about awareness, unfortunately something that most guys, me leading the way, usually are not too good at.  That is being too nice - most guys deliberately run away from it


So as I think about the time since Jillian has gone, I try to think about how her loss has helped me to grow - how my pain has given me the opportunity to gain.  I think there's a long way to go, but I think I have at least recognized that being aware of where I am at on a daily basis is the first step, and though I often fall short of this goal, isn't being aware of that very fact a step in the right direction....Hopefully with the passage of time, I will be able to really look back and clearly see the gains that I have made over the months and years..  But for now, I can only measure it in weeks.....125 to be exact.  

Publish Post

Birthday Thoughts

I haven't gotten too good at keeping this post updated, so if anyone is actually reading this, my apologies.  But the reality is simply that I need to write my thoughts, feelings and ideas down, but just don't make the time for it.  Every time I do so, it is an opportunity to truly investigate what I am feeling inside. So I press on....

I recently celebrated another birthday (that is 3 now without Jillian).  I am not sure if celebration is the correct word any more when it comes to birthdays - especially as I get older - perhaps a better word is acknowledged or appreciated?  I definitely believe that acknowledging that another year has passed and that you are now a year older is important.  Hopefully you have learned another year's worth of 'stuff' and 'things.'  Hopefully you have impacted the world and made it a little better. Perhaps not.  Those are the things I think about at birthdays now. I look back over this last year, and realize that I have learned a lot about myself in realizing that I have a long way to go in developing into the person I am supposed to be - still don't go deep enough with my feelings, and shy away from really putting the work in that is needed to do so...But at the same time I also believe I have left a positive mark in many people's lives and have helped people along the way. 

I also look at each year now as one year closer to seeing my daughter again - not in a depressed, can't wait for that day, kill me now state, but in a more realistic, I have got a lot of things left to do on this earth perspective, but also can't wait for the day I get re-united with Jillian.  Perhaps is it strange to look at life in this way, but if you  have lost a child, you get it - especially if it was an only child.  She is not coming back here, at least not physically, so I will have to go to her, eventually. 

I often wonder what she is doing in the spiritual realm and my intuition says that she is actually quite busy with many 'other than this world' duties.  Perhaps she has been assigned to look over and encourage some sick children in a hospital or perhaps she is on a special mission helping a poor family in a third world country.  I like to think that knowing her, she is volunteering for the most complex and intricate of cosmic assignments.  And, every so often she gets some time off and stops by to visit - and shows herself to me in subtle ways.  Here's an example:  As I was driving home from work on my birthday last week, I was wondering how (or if) she might surprise me with something.  I thought to myself...keep your eyes open.  And wouldn't you know, as I crested the hill of an area of the highway that overlooks the entire bay area, off in the distance was the large blimp that we have come to associate with Jillian (remember - she loved balloons and this very blimp showed itself on the day we had her memorial service in the bay area).  I know beyond a doubt that Jillian made sure that I saw that blimp as a nice gift to me on my birthday.  When I saw the blimp, I chuckled and said out loud - "thanks for remembering my birthday Jillian", as a tear ran down my cheek.  It reminded me how truly unselfish Jillian was in her life, and in her death is still being so.  I have continued to try and follow here example.

So as I acknowledge and appreciate another year turning on my birthday calendar, I look forward to seeing what new journeys I will be involved in, what new people I will meet, what new ideas I will wrap my brain around, and how all the different aspects of my life will be weaved together.