Navigating the loss of a child is quite the journey. Though I can honestly say that the intense acute pain and grief I first encountered has slowly subsided, there are days and sometimes weeks where that pain makes its way back into my bones. I noticed that happening over the past few days and on a few occasions my eyes filled up with tears. Perhaps it is the knowledge that Father's Day is tomorrow, or the fact that I recently added another pet to our home. When it happens, I don't get too riveted on trying to figure out why, I just go with it - as it reminds me all the more of how much I love my little girl. I often think about the small things that she did that made me laugh. I don't often remember (unless I force myself too) the difficult times she had in her life - with all her medical issues - but now often find myself thinking about the great days she had or the short day trips that we did with her. Sometimes out of nowhere I will think of something she did or liked and my mind will embrace that memory and it gives me the added inspiration to keep on living my life to the fullest.
So tomorrow society will celebrate Father's Day. A day in which we get to say thanks to our dad's for all they have done for us. I know that some won't be able to do so (be it distance due to a strained relationship or the distance caused by loss). But for those that are able, be sure to make the most of it. Write a card, make a phone call, send a text. Above all else, let your father know the thing you most appreciate about him.
Becoming and being a father to Jillian was the greatest gift I ever received. Caring for and loving her gave me the greatest feeling of happiness I have ever encountered. And Jillian showed her appreciation to me in so many ways; by always wanting me to be around, by having me read her favourite book to her over and over and over, by bringing me my reading glasses when she saw me working on the monthly bills, and by making sure we got some special time together during those last few weeks before she died. Some were little ways, others were huge. In everything she did, even as I sat with her during the last hours of her life she continued to show me how much she appreciated me being her daddy and how much she loved me.
So tomorrow I will remember that. Though she won't be here physically to write me a card or give me a kiss, I will think about the many ways in which she showed me how much she loved me and for that I will be incredibly grateful. There will most likely be tears, but tears of both sadness and happiness. As the writer Gibran says, "When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight." I hope to take in a hike and spend the time with my wife and nature and revel in thinking about how being Jillian's dad was the most delightful experience I could ever have asked for in my lifetime, even though I miss her dearly. To the other dad's out there who have suffered the death of your child, I encourage you to try and do the same....
