Birthday Thoughts

I haven't gotten too good at keeping this post updated, so if anyone is actually reading this, my apologies.  But the reality is simply that I need to write my thoughts, feelings and ideas down, but just don't make the time for it.  Every time I do so, it is an opportunity to truly investigate what I am feeling inside. So I press on....

I recently celebrated another birthday (that is 3 now without Jillian).  I am not sure if celebration is the correct word any more when it comes to birthdays - especially as I get older - perhaps a better word is acknowledged or appreciated?  I definitely believe that acknowledging that another year has passed and that you are now a year older is important.  Hopefully you have learned another year's worth of 'stuff' and 'things.'  Hopefully you have impacted the world and made it a little better. Perhaps not.  Those are the things I think about at birthdays now. I look back over this last year, and realize that I have learned a lot about myself in realizing that I have a long way to go in developing into the person I am supposed to be - still don't go deep enough with my feelings, and shy away from really putting the work in that is needed to do so...But at the same time I also believe I have left a positive mark in many people's lives and have helped people along the way. 

I also look at each year now as one year closer to seeing my daughter again - not in a depressed, can't wait for that day, kill me now state, but in a more realistic, I have got a lot of things left to do on this earth perspective, but also can't wait for the day I get re-united with Jillian.  Perhaps is it strange to look at life in this way, but if you  have lost a child, you get it - especially if it was an only child.  She is not coming back here, at least not physically, so I will have to go to her, eventually. 

I often wonder what she is doing in the spiritual realm and my intuition says that she is actually quite busy with many 'other than this world' duties.  Perhaps she has been assigned to look over and encourage some sick children in a hospital or perhaps she is on a special mission helping a poor family in a third world country.  I like to think that knowing her, she is volunteering for the most complex and intricate of cosmic assignments.  And, every so often she gets some time off and stops by to visit - and shows herself to me in subtle ways.  Here's an example:  As I was driving home from work on my birthday last week, I was wondering how (or if) she might surprise me with something.  I thought to myself...keep your eyes open.  And wouldn't you know, as I crested the hill of an area of the highway that overlooks the entire bay area, off in the distance was the large blimp that we have come to associate with Jillian (remember - she loved balloons and this very blimp showed itself on the day we had her memorial service in the bay area).  I know beyond a doubt that Jillian made sure that I saw that blimp as a nice gift to me on my birthday.  When I saw the blimp, I chuckled and said out loud - "thanks for remembering my birthday Jillian", as a tear ran down my cheek.  It reminded me how truly unselfish Jillian was in her life, and in her death is still being so.  I have continued to try and follow here example.

So as I acknowledge and appreciate another year turning on my birthday calendar, I look forward to seeing what new journeys I will be involved in, what new people I will meet, what new ideas I will wrap my brain around, and how all the different aspects of my life will be weaved together.