That's sort of how we live our lives....marching time by minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years....We go to work at a certain time, counting the minutes and hours down until we get to leave for home. Sometimes we forgot that as time continues to march on, we too are growing in ways that we may not even be aware of. There are certain times that we in fact stop and realize that we have gone through a growing period. Often when we are young, we go through growth spurts physically. Our friends, family and people around us say, 'why look how 'Jimmy' has grown! That's of course natural for most, but how often do we really look at the growth spurts we go through emotionally, spiritually, and relationally.
When is the last time you actually took time out to look at this closely. Navigating the death of Jillian has certainly forced me do to such a thing. Often when someone goes through a challenging time there is growth. It is a common perspective in many many cultures, religions and societies.....as young athletes, our favorite slogan was always....'no pain, no gain'. But is that an absolute? I have come to realize that pain is a relative term. Someone who loses a job experiences pain, but is that the same pain as someone who gets cancer or loses a child. My judgmental self says absolutely not. My daughter not only died, but prior to that she had cancer, lived with heart failure and was born with a "dismissed by society" genetic disorder and had disabilities. Certainly my pain is worse than these other two examples. But wait, what about the pain of a parent who loses two children in a car accident suddenly? Isn't their pain worse than mine? It must be right? No brainer? Maybe, mabye not,.......absolutely...not really sure???
See, the issue isn't whos pain is worse. From the receiver of the pain point of view....it all is devastating, and it doesn't really matter what is going on with others around you and their pain - you just feel your pain. The real issue is what you do with that pain. See, the saying is correct....'no pain, no gain', but for a different reason than most of us think. Most see that phrase or idea as a cause and effect perspective. If you feel pain you will gain. But the reality of it is this: when you experience pain due to loss, though it is difficult and challenging on levels that others may not have yet experienced, you can decide to learn from it and grow. You can come out to the valley or pit of loss at a 'higher' level than that which you entered it. But you see, it's not an automatic thing.....it's really a decision that starts with awareness of the pain itself - that is what starts the possibility of growth and 'gain' You need to stare" the pain and loss in the face" and take it on. There's a great story about this in one of my favorite books "Swallowed by a Snake". At the end of the day, growth is really about awareness, unfortunately something that most guys, me leading the way, usually are not too good at. That is being too nice - most guys deliberately run away from it
So as I think about the time since Jillian has gone, I try to think about how her loss has helped me to grow - how my pain has given me the opportunity to gain. I think there's a long way to go, but I think I have at least recognized that being aware of where I am at on a daily basis is the first step, and though I often fall short of this goal, isn't being aware of that very fact a step in the right direction....Hopefully with the passage of time, I will be able to really look back and clearly see the gains that I have made over the months and years.. But for now, I can only measure it in weeks.....125 to be exact.
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